Real Talk: Things Suck Sometimes

As much as I love the idea of a thru-hike, I must admit, I'm hitting a mental wall. Dealing with injury after injury has been taking a major toll on me - it absolutely sucks to have your hike be dictated by your body instead of your mind - I don't always have the freedom to make choices because I need to respond to the pain. I'm constantly envious of hikers who've managed to get this far without any physical set-backs. It's really disheartening to make friends, and then watch them forge ahead while you are forced to take a zero to ice and elevate your knees/feet. Do you know how frustrating it is to see your friends on instagram make it to milestones 100s of miles ahead? Not only am I in almost constant pain lately - but it gives me anxiety to wonder if I'm causing permanent damage.

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I'll admit that I would be much happier as a section hiker. First off, section hikers are not on this strict schedule - trying to squeeze 2189 miles into a 6 month stretch takes effort. You can't just set out for the day and "hike until you feel like stopping" - because sometimes, you want to stop after 10 miles - but that won't get you to Katahdin in time. Also, I feel like the obsession with "2200 miles" takes away from the excitement of what we've already accomplished. "Oh, we just reached 700 miles? Cool, we've still got 1500 left to go, let's move." A lot of us have started to lose our excitement/appreciation for the views. Yes, it's amazing to be living amongst the mountains, but when you see them everyday, it's not as spectacular. "Oh, that's pretty - but not as pretty as that view last week - we've got places to be, it looks like rain, let's go." I've definitely been trying to take it all in, but because I've been going so slowly, I no longer have time to just hang out all day. 

We ran into a thru-hiker the other day - Diesel. He was doing a 28 mile day - and when we asked him why, he responded -  "Well, there's really nothing else to do out here...". What?! What about spending the day at the river? Taking a nap, sitting around a campfire with your trail family all day? I swear, I could waste hours and hours a day not hiking. And that's the difference between Diesel and I - When it comes to hiking vs. camping - I'm a camper. I absolutely adore walking through the woods and finding all the secret landmarks, but I would much prefer to bum around a campsite with friends for the entire afternoon/evening. 

Part of me understands why people have all been quitting lately. The temperature spiked - meaning we are literally dripping sweat after 10 minutes of 8am hiking and at the end of the day, you go to sleep sticky. The humidity is disgusting and doesn't subside after thunderstorms. And the bugs? Oh god. I'm basically ripping all my bites open, and then scratching the scabs off in my sleep. Everyone has been developing mysterious rashes, and I swear, poison ivy is everywhere. SUMMER BACKPACKING IS GROSS!

Question: how the hell have I been out here for almost three months and still not be at the damn half-way mark?! I feel like I've been out here forever. You would think I would get used to being dirty - but if anything, I'm getting sick of it! Ahhhh! I just want to shower everyday! 

Also - this trip is hella expensive! And everyones gear is slowly breaking. My water filter has been leaking for weeks, my $90 Smartwool shirt has a hole, and the zippers on my pack are starting to rip out. Im trying to be frugal, but I don't want to deprive myself of any hostel experiences, and sometimes I just need to take a zero for my sanity. I'm constantly worried about tapping into my savings for future rent - I will be cut off financially when I move out, and I'll finally need to be a real person. I miss having a job and some form of income.

Why do none of these towns down south have public transportation?! I feel so trapped. I'm so used to being able to hop on a bus, train, subway, etc. Scratch that - I'm used to having a damn car and being able to go wherever I please. Half of these towns don't even have sidewalks. Sure, I'll walk on the side of your 4-lane road and hope for the best. 

I miss real food! I want a kitchen and a fridge with fruits and vegetables and eggs and orange juice. I'm definitely eating like shit out here (all I want is sugar. gushers. fruit roll ups. sour straws. etc. etc.). Pretty sure my hair has been falling out again - lovely. 

Last shitty thing - I promise. I understand I'm on the adventure of a lifetime, but I'm missing out on a lot of things back home. Obviously these aren't a huge deal, but it contributes to my homesickness. I'm missing my dog Lincoln's puppyhoood, various summer concerts, beach days, going on actual dates (trail dating is nothing like real dating - I do not advise it).  

BUT. Despite all of that, I do not understand how people actually quit. I get that not everyone comes out here for the same reasons, and obviously getting a serious injury isn't a choice, but we came into this knowing it would suck. That's why summitting Katahdin is so glorious. Knowing that you overcame it all. Sure, it's fine to toy with the idea of heading home, but to actually throw in the towel? I don't get it. (Though, I'm extremely concerned that my knees/feet will force me off - there comes a point where it's just stupid to keep hiking.)

Awesome things about thru-hiking:

- being at the mercy of mother nature. sure, it sucks to be caught in a thunder-storm, but it's a truly amazing feeling to know you must experience it. 

- unexpectedly running into old trail-friends 

- shelter slumber parties (staying up late talking to new friends)

- bathing in rivers/waterfalls 

- crazy hiker-box finds (stuff sacks, food, books, etc)

- finding yourself in bizarre situations/locations 

- giving your leftovers to a complete stranger 

- finding turtles, lizards, frogs, tadpoles, mice, snakes, etc 

- learning to appreciate any additional luxury 

- feeling yourself get stronger every day 

- waking up with the sun 

- the feeling of accomplishment with each passing landmark (experiencing all the iconic AT locations)

- meeting Miss Janet! 

- trail-magic

Well, at least they warned me about the "Virginia Blues" - knowing that this is a normal feeling is comforting. And as long as my injuries don't get any worse, I will relentlessly push forward towards Katahdin!